Well, the next day the Queen asked her how she slept! And the princess said she'd slept horribly, and that she was black and blue all over! She'd been able to feel the pea, even through all that. And that's how they knew she was a real princess - because only a real princess would have such delicate skin!

[ ... a pause. ]

Anyway, the Prince married her, and they lived happily ever after. The end.

Though if you ask me... that's a dumb way to make sure a princess is really a princess.

[ you know what. she is determinedly looking up from her journal, at the ceiling, as she talks. because if she looks she will scream and neither of them need that right now!! ]