Nicholas D. Wolfwood (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
notabluesbro) wrote2011-01-12 01:11 pm
notabluesbro) wrote2011-01-12 01:11 pm
Entry tags:
15th Confession [Action/Emo]
[Well, things were better. Meryl was back, after all, and he was relieved to know it.
But... Wolfwood always has been a thinker. And since the incident with Legato and Kaori, he's unable to find solace in much. Did he really do what was right? He—he tried what he could to do what Vash tried to force into his head: tried to find the route where no one died. But in order to do that, he had to become some sort of shitty dog in Legato's shadow. He knew the son-of-a-bitch hoped for it, planned for it, loved every second of tugging that leash.
He's avoided any real talking with anyone, really. Stayed in the apartment, avoided any real contact with Vash, did the usual Wolfwood trait of solitude: shutting yourself away from people when you have a thought that won't let you go. He'll bounce back from it, he surmises. Things will clear up for him later. He has to force himself to think that, in the end, it won't impact him. But still...
"Tell Legato that Rem was wrong—tell him that there is no worth in people, or in the illusion of peace."
"... whether that's true or not, you're worth something right now, okay? You don't ... You don't have to be useful by some guy's definition to be important."]
[Wolfwood's out and about today, albeit the shade around him suggests he's not much for enjoying the day, whether he means to look that way or not. Right now, he's frustrated with himself. And it shows. He decides to spend a few hours at the battle dome—takes his pent-up aggravations out on imaginary evils. He's not going to bother masking his weapon from anyone, because really? It's almost starting to feel like his trying to hide that part of him from this place. Every shot is precise and deadly. Mechanical and automatic. All what he learned, years ago, all denying the basic fundamentals of Vash's way of life. But he feels it, in his fingertips. He hesitates so minutely that he KNOWS he's doing it, regardless of how smooth his motions are.
...Dammit all.
Then he goes by the clinic, to see if Kaori's still there. She should be, he's thinking. But if she's not, then maybe that's even better. Maybe it means she was healed up and isn't miserable. And then, after that... after that nervous bit of deciding to check on her. He's going to a bar—hell, any would do—and when he does, he opens his journal and looks over that entry he'd been avoiding since he came back.
"How d'you prove you're worth something?"]
...Ha, you little moron.
[When he decides to finally return home, he's decidedly drunk, but like he hasn't done that in his lifetime. He's just more graceful than Vash—
ACK, my knee, that was a coffee table—
Maybe not so much.]
((Replies in a bit!))
But... Wolfwood always has been a thinker. And since the incident with Legato and Kaori, he's unable to find solace in much. Did he really do what was right? He—he tried what he could to do what Vash tried to force into his head: tried to find the route where no one died. But in order to do that, he had to become some sort of shitty dog in Legato's shadow. He knew the son-of-a-bitch hoped for it, planned for it, loved every second of tugging that leash.
He's avoided any real talking with anyone, really. Stayed in the apartment, avoided any real contact with Vash, did the usual Wolfwood trait of solitude: shutting yourself away from people when you have a thought that won't let you go. He'll bounce back from it, he surmises. Things will clear up for him later. He has to force himself to think that, in the end, it won't impact him. But still...
"Tell Legato that Rem was wrong—tell him that there is no worth in people, or in the illusion of peace."
"... whether that's true or not, you're worth something right now, okay? You don't ... You don't have to be useful by some guy's definition to be important."]
[Wolfwood's out and about today, albeit the shade around him suggests he's not much for enjoying the day, whether he means to look that way or not. Right now, he's frustrated with himself. And it shows. He decides to spend a few hours at the battle dome—takes his pent-up aggravations out on imaginary evils. He's not going to bother masking his weapon from anyone, because really? It's almost starting to feel like his trying to hide that part of him from this place. Every shot is precise and deadly. Mechanical and automatic. All what he learned, years ago, all denying the basic fundamentals of Vash's way of life. But he feels it, in his fingertips. He hesitates so minutely that he KNOWS he's doing it, regardless of how smooth his motions are.
...Dammit all.
Then he goes by the clinic, to see if Kaori's still there. She should be, he's thinking. But if she's not, then maybe that's even better. Maybe it means she was healed up and isn't miserable. And then, after that... after that nervous bit of deciding to check on her. He's going to a bar—hell, any would do—and when he does, he opens his journal and looks over that entry he'd been avoiding since he came back.
"How d'you prove you're worth something?"]
...Ha, you little moron.
[When he decides to finally return home, he's decidedly drunk, but like he hasn't done that in his lifetime. He's just more graceful than Vash—
ACK, my knee, that was a coffee table—
Maybe not so much.]
((Replies in a bit!))
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It was just... it started out a hard month. It would have been my birthday, back home... and then, I had a friend here, someone I'd trusted, and he'd lied to me about something pretty important. When he decided to explain, I found out... he wasn't at all who I'd thought he was. He'd done some things in his past which were just... horrible.
[Like order the death of his infant son according to the law of his god, like later abandoning his throne and cursing his god, causing his country to fall into ruin, despair, and driving his land into war.]
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How does he feel about it? About what he'd done to you? In his past?
[Because if he had to choose between 'someone fucked up and lied to me' and 'it's my birthday', Wolfwood would have to guess she's a tad more distraught about the former.]
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I don't even know why he told me - he acted like he thought... like he thought I enjoyed hearing this about him, like it made me feel good to be mad at him - it didn't.
[There are hot tears in the corners of her eyes, but she refuses to let them fall.]
But even if it did what he did was wrong - it was so wrong. And he hurt so many people. And he might be sorry for it, but he refuses to think that there would be any other way - he just got angry when I asked him questions. But I was angry too. I was so angry that he'd done this.
[Her voice is low and tight and deeply frustrated here.] ...but he's not even from my world. I don't know how to try to fix it. I don't know what to do. And it's like he's two different people, but he refuses to separate them - he wants meet to treat him as if he's the same one, but how can I, when what he's done...
...if it had been in my world? He would have been the kind of man I've been fighting.
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No... That's the pain of Luceti—that even when you know something that's happening elsewhere, in some other world, there's nothing you can do to stop it or help make it right. And that's a pain we're all going to have to live with, probably...
[A thoughtful pause.]
Did he tell you what would have happened if he didn't do what he did?
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['To go against the laws of Veros would forfeit my right to rule. My choice was between a people who had depended on me for many years, and one child. How could I say a nation was worth less than one child, even my own?'
'Still, my people wanted more of me. I became full of hate. I had lived too long. I had nothing left to give.
I left in secret.']
And in the end, it didn't matter. He ended up doing the very thing he'd tried to prevent.
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Sounds like a difficult situation to even think about, for you.
[he shifts]
Well, what do you think? Is he irredeemable as a person? Or do you think someone who can think so horribly—who was capable of something that terrible—see the error of his ways and change himself from the inside out?
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But before she can respond to that, he asks his questions - and they make her uncomfortable. Zuko had. But then, Zuko had always done what he thought was right. He hadn't run away from his responsibilities or abandoned his people to die without him. He hadn't gone against his conscience and sacrificed an infant - his own child - to appease some god.]
I... don't know. I've seen people change. But I think that there are some things that you do that... leave a stain on you. That no matter what, even if you try with everything you are to make up for it, you're never the same.
[Like bloodbending. She's not meeting his gaze again, and it should be obvious to him, despite how she's trying to hide it, that she's talking from experience.]
But I don't have to be his friend again. I'm not sure I can be. [The way he thought of her, spoke to her - it was like he didn't know her at all. Even if she could move past what he'd told her... why would she want to?] But I do have to decide whether or not to trust him with someone I care about.
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he mulls over her words, goes to talk, and then stops himself
And softly—]
We'll all be stained red on the inside, from something in our pasts. Whether it's something big or something small, it's difficult to avoid—I'd even say impossible. And in this guy's case, he's let it overtake him, so much so that he's probably in denial of what's right and wrong.
And frankly? You don't have to do a damn thing, for his sake—that's his battle to face, not yours to tear yourself apart with. He should've known better, to do what he did to you.
...
However....
Sometimes, people like him don't see the truth by themselves. Hell, maybe he never will. But trust me when I say that people like him will either forever live in their illusion that they did what they had to, or they'll be changed by outside voices drawing them away from that bull.
You shouldn't be his friend, if you don't want to. But if you want change in him, you should never stop voicing the God's honest truth: what he did wasn't right, no matter what excuse he dreams up.
[His eyes soften, and something weary and tragic creeps into his features.]
He'll either end up like you, understanding the pain of regret, admitting some things shouldn't have happened the way they did, truly wishing he could take it back... or, he'll remain trapped.
And like trusting people, helping them is equally capable of backfiring.
...It all depends on what you want to do. What you think you should do.
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That's some pretty good advice, Wolfwood.
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Well... As someone who's done awful things before, I know the feeling of a friend or loved one coming along and trying to help you. There's the initial belief that you aren't wrong. That you did what you had to—and then the realization that that wasn't true at all.
[Granted, he doesn't know the man's back-story, but it didn't really matter to him—it still spawned the same feeling, reminded him of the same problems before Luceti. Wolfwood knew he would always be a killer, and not just in the past, but in the future. As long as he was alive, he would be a murderer, and would have to make some awful choices.
But. He wants to believe that despite those times where he trips and falls flat on his face, there's a chance for him to be something a little better than just that.]
...I'd like to think anyone in that position can be redeemed, in the end.
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Katara believes in redemption. She does.
She just doesn't believe anyone can be redeemed.]
I don't know.
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Me, personally? I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation... I don't know the guy, can't judge him on my own principals—but what I do know is eventually... you'll have to change your answer from 'I don't know' to something you think is a good conclusion.
Because 'I don't know' doesn't make you very content, right?
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He's right about one thing, though.]
You're right. It doesn't. And I need to figure it out, because it's not just about me and him.
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...For now, if he's causing you a lot of internal pain, the best thing to do is avoid him and keep your distance, until you can answer a few of your own questions. I doubt you'll want to talk to him right now, with your own thoughts in a knot, right?
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[Because it's not as if she thinks his evil is going to carry over to Luceti - the circumstances were very specific. He knows what she thinks - she'd done her best to make that very clear. And he'd done his best (it seemed) to insure that she had no reason to decide anything in his favor.
But this is Luceti, where things get complicated because you can't just move on, everyone is stuck here for however long - and Katara is nothing if not community-focused.]
I don't want to make an enemy of him. Even if I can't stand him.
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[And we come back to the sad/depressing/infuriating part.]
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Just give yourself a little more time. Think about it if you want, have it both you for a few days... and then find the strength to push it out of your thoughts so you can continue on with your day to day life. If you let it linger too long, it'll just keep you from the other things.
[He tries to mask the little content smile.]
Though, between you and me, smashing things into pieces to vent? A really good idea.
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[Seeing as... they took Sokka. And Nami and Usopp are gone.]
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One day, you will. I don't know when that day will be, but you will.
[The question is, when that day comes, will you hesitate to smash apart the things that need it, if it means a outcome that dirties up your hands?]
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As it is, she just glances back up at him.]
Thanks for listening.
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[He grins.]
Besides, I'm a priest—it's actually one of my jobs, listening to people... Well, it should be, if people back home had a little more of a conscience.
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Well, I guess I'd better let you get back to town.
[Reaching out a hand, she bends the doorway bigger out of their igloo.
...she doesn't feel better for their talk, not really, though there was some good insight about her situation with Sigmund, the weight of grief about Nami and Usopp hasn't eased, and neither has her helpless rage at Sokka's mallynapping. But - what else can she do? Maybe, for a little while, she'll be able to catch a nice sleep.]
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It's shitty, is what it is.]
Right—you'd better get back home, too, then.
[Hopefully you're tired enough to finally get some sleep? He'd rather you not end up staring down your ceiling.]
Can't help but look forward to the morning, regardless.
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What happens in the morning?
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[ action ] 1/2
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